[Excerpts from Canadian Airports Security Notices]
August 9th, 2006 – The Canadian Government has raised the national alert level to red, or Maximum and Transports Canada has decided to restrict liquids and gels aboard aircrafts to match the new US regulations. The Prime Minister Mr. Harper is exempt from this new measure and can also talk on his cell phone during landing and take off.
September 11th, 2007 – Transports and Taxes Canada has placed the national air traffic system at a purple, or Catastrophic alert level, the last step before Global Panic. As a result, no hand luggage will be allowed onboard airplanes. All electronic devices are now also prohibited, including but not limited to laptop computers, cell phones, watches, mp3 players and portable bombs. Passengers are encouraged to get proficient in the smoke signal technique in order to replace their phone at their destination. Mr. Harper, you can keep yours, of course.
February 14th, 2008 – A new level of national alertness has been put in effect; as of midnight last night, Canada is now under black alert, or Global Panic level. Consequently, Transports and Immigration Canada has prohibited for passengers to carry any kind of luggage, checked or carry-on. Clothing is to be kept to a minimum and no unnecessary items will be allowed. Among prohibited clothing items are coats, jackets, gloves, scarves, hats, ties, belts, boots, adult diapers and kilts (we shouldn’t have to endure the sight of an ugly man’s legs). Passengers are advised to plan ahead and dress appropriately from home since disallowed clothing items will be confiscated and burned. Mr. Harper can wear his three piece suit and diapers.
November 35th, 2008 – As a result of an attempt by a Swiss citizen to carry a Swiss Army pin-size bazooka onboard an A-390 Airbus, all jewelry is now also prohibited by Transports and Culture Canada on all aircrafts. Earrings, necklaces, bracelets, rings, watches, piercings, hair pins and flowered flip-flops are now prohibited. Mr. Harper can disregard this rule and keep his nose and nipple rings.
July 14th, 2009 – Canada has been placed under a transparent, or We’re Dead alert level. Transports, Women’s Rights and Liquors Canada will implement new safety measures accordingly for the next two weeks. After that, wearing personal clothes aboard an airplane will become illegal. Passengers will be issued hospital gowns at the gate after removing all clothing including underwear. The Gap, Ralph Lauren and Levi-Strauss have been issued new airport franchise permits in order to setup retail stores in arrival terminals within the shortest delays. Airlines are already discounting fares from St-Tropez and Vancouver’s Wreck Beach. Mr. Harper is welcome aboard all airplanes in an Eskimo coat if he wishes.
December 14th, 2009 – Consequence of a failed attempt by an Irish citizen to smuggle liquid explosives aboard his flight by mixing it with beer and drinking it, passengers are now advised by Transports, Arts and Crafts and Diplomacy Canada that they will be subjected to a mandatory bladder clearing before boarding the aircraft. Tremendous flight delays are expected. Airlines recommend avoiding the consumption of fluids 72 hours prior to departure. Mr. Harper can arrive at the plane completely drunk. He probably always does any way.
March 10th, 2010 – The Government of Canada and its regulating agency Transports and Celebrities Canada have declared plane travel to be illegal for passengers between the age of 5 and 175. The purchase of airline tickets remains legal, just like for radar detectors, and fares are expected to drop slightly as people will likely keep buying seats in hope of a law amendment. Mr. Harper gets his flights for free. He also has begun flight school.
July 2010 – Mr. Harper has failed his Private Pilot License flight test for the 12th time. His secretary commented off the record that « The Prime Minister has unsuccessfully applied his knowledge of politics to flying, promising the control tower he would touch and go but never complying, and later attempting to save his ass by declaring an emergency for a sneezing attack. »
Mr. Harper later admitted that he’ll stick with politics. He declared that « Politics are a child’s game compared to an airplane’s stick. I find manipulating voters much easier than handling an airplane. Pushing people’s buttons is rather straightforward. On an aircraft, there are so many buttons I wouldn’t know where to start. »
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